Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Again.

I'm not sure why I still bother dreaming. Why I have this hope, albeit just a glimmer of hope, that someday life will be stable, life will be happy, life will be content in love. I'm grateful for the glimmer, because otherwise the reality of more dreams shattered. . .or at least drastically postponed. . .would paralyze me.

And I need to walk.

I wish Denial was a river in Egypt. Then I could have at least been sightseeing, taking in a pyramid or two in the Valley of the Kings. But it's time to step out of Denial and acknowledge that I failed. We failed.

There are so many things I wish we could talk about. I feel like I'm going crazy inside with the distance between us emotionally. I wish he would listen to me, with his heart, not his ears, and not through his filters. I wish we could have more of a meeting of minds. But I guess if we could do all of those things then we wouldn't be facing what we're facing now, would we?

To me, it is analogous to life support. Pulling the plug. You know the person hooked up to tubes and oxygen is gone, but to disconnect them? To flip the switch? You can't go back from that one. I know in my heart that death came a long time ago, and any sign of life has been artificial. But pulling the plug on a marriage, on a family, well, it's just about killing me.

Things should have been different. Oh, how I wish. How deeply my heart was invested, and how misunderstood I feel. I really believed that this time I would be loved. This time I would be safe. Nobody has ever looked at me with the tenderness that he possesses. I wanted that so desperately, those eyes looking at me like that forever. But we let each other down. He never wanted what I wanted, and all we did was hurt each other. It's a tragedy. A travesty. It didn't need to happen. But it did. And why I know the truth in my heart and still try to invent some other version of it, some easier version, is only more painful to me. But I just wish we could talk! Not that it would do any good to save what's gone, but at least it might help tie up the flailing fibers of my ripped up heart. Which, I'm pretty sure has been broken almost continuously since I was 15 years old. That's getting old. So are sleepless nights, swollen eyes, worry nigh to panic, and that twisting in my gut.

We've postponed it long enough. I think his mind was made up almost from the beginning, and now I know, now I really know, that one person's commitment is not enough, and persuasive as I may be at times, I cannot change everyone's mind.

It's difficult to face the holidays with so much weighing on my mind. Survival, mostly. Avoiding homelessness. Finding a way to finish school and not completely disrupt my children's lives. Picking up the pieces. Again. Figuring out why I failed. Again. Learning to move to a new phase with the man I wanted to adore me forever so that we can raise our little boy who never should have had to deal with any of this.

Maybe pulling the plug will bring freedom, like the spirit trapped in a lifeless body finally being given permission to soar to heaven. And love. And peace.

But then again, how do you decide when the last breath is taken? How do you give up hope that eyes will open? How do you summon the strength to gather up what dignity you have left and move on?

That's the ugly truth of things. I'm not that wise. I'm not that admirable. I'm hardly enviable. I'm drastically flawed. I have created much of my own sorrow from poor judgment and choices. And I just hope that someday, in some way, I get the chance to do it right. All the way.

23 comments:

Don said...

Jenna, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that things aren't working out for you the way that you had hoped. Know that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

We are all weak and flawed and damaged in our own ways, and yet I know that you have so much to offer. I see so many wonderful qualities in you that I admire and even envy. And yes, I recognize that the face you show to the world is only a small part of reality, and yet it is really you - you really are the strong, loving, dedicated woman we see in this blog.

I wish there were more I could do to help - I've grown to love you and your family through your blog, and hate being unable to offer more than prayers and good thoughts. I've enjoyed seeing you grapple with the challenges of parenthood that are very similar to my own, and have gained from your strength and your example.

And I know I am not the only one.

Hang in there, and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Abby said...

I love you, darling *hugs*

YogaNana said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jenna}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,
Mom

Megan said...

We love you both anyways! And if you need a haven for a while, the door is always open... as are my ears and heart.

Hannah said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this Jenna. I love you so much and am so proud to call you my sister. If you do need a place to run away to, you are more than welcome here.

Annette Lyon said...

Oh, Jenna. I'm aching and crying for you. I'm also putting your name on our temple roll. You'll be in my prayers--and I'm sure the prayers of many, many others.

Know that you have lots of people who absolutely love you and would do anything for you.

Misty said...

I love you. You are loved, quite obviously, by so many. Today is dark, but someday this particular darkness will be but a memory. Cling tight to the God... It sounds cliche, but it's the only think that works...

Leslie said...

You are not flawed or damaged. You have such a full heart and someday it will be full like you deserve. It sounds like you know what needs to happen. Good luck on your decision.

Rachel Sue said...

Jenna,
I almost didn't comment because I just know that there is nothing that I can possibly say that will fix anything. Which is what I wish I could do for you. I will tell you, however, I will be praying for you. That, at least, I can do.

Luisa Perkins said...

Sending you every hug and every prayer that I have.

Josi said...

there is something better for you, Jenna. There is. I'm so sorry for this heartbreak, but I know that you ARE loved, by so many including a Father in Heaven that knows your heart and knows your dreams. Hugs and prayers.

David said...

I'm so sorry, Jenna. I love you.

Hugs.

Stephanie Humphreys said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Having been there myself, I know the heartache you're going through. There is hope though and you will find your way through this. Lean on all the people that love you and especially lean on the Lord. You'll make it.

Crayl said...

Jenna I am so sorry.
I usually lurk but wanted you to know I am praying for you and your family.

isshou ni said...

Oh, Jenna, my heart aches for you and your family. So many "what ifs" but not many answers. I will pray for you and your children. Pray that you will feel love, peace and direction in this time of trouble. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Piper of Love said...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

".. and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3


You are the most admirable woman I know. You are SO loved, and you ARE NOT to blame.

I feel your pain so deeply, and I want you to know that you will never ever be alone. You will NEVER be alone.

I love you, and I am always here for you. Your price is far above rubies, whether you feel like that or not.




Dear Heavenly Father, I ask in Jesus' name that you comfort Jenna tonight. Wrap your arms around her, and let her feel it. Let her see herself as your precious daughter, leaping into her Heavenly Father's arms that see nothing but beauty and love and delight in her. God, please bless Jenna like you never have before. Pour your spirit over her body and mind, and replace everything with Your peace that passes all understanding. In Jesus' precious name, Amen.

Sarah said...

Oh, Jenna! I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much of this kind of pain! My heart is breaking for you! We love you guys and if you need anything, we are always here to support you! You are ALWAYS welcome in our home!

Amber Watt said...

Know that I love you and totally support you. One thing I know is you'll never be homeless. You know I'd come get you on a moments notice. I wish I was there to squeeze you tight.

loves

Saint Holiday said...

Pain & tears & prayer from head to foot.

I love you.

dad

Jenn -- said...

Hi Jenna,
I usually just stop by to read your posts and learn how to be a better mom from you. I rarely comment, but I just wanted to tell you that you are in my prayers. I've been there. It is complete heartache. Remember that you deserve to give and receive unconditional love. You have a beautiful heart. Some words of wisdom that helped me during dark days. D&C 84:88

Hugs from Utah.

Anonymous said...

I love you so much Jenna!!!! I am so sorry. (I don't think that I am the only one crying for you this time.)

All my love and prayers,
Kortni

Turley fam said...

So sorry Jenna, love you lots.
P.S. I think you are amazing!!!

rjlight said...

I am so sorry Jenna. I haven't been blogging for so long. I am heartbroken for you.