My last several posts have been a stream of 'what I'm doing' instead of 'what I'm thinking'. I'm beginning to miss the more introspective side of my blog. Here's a peek inside my mind over the last several days:
1. I find it interesting to note connections between seemingly unconnected things. For instance, my issue of Eating Well arrived in the mail last week, on the same day that I went to the library. I thumbed through it briefly, and came across a recipe for etoufee, a Cajun stew I've never even heard of before. So, then I begin reading the books that I borrowed from the library, and in the first novel, guess what the characters are eating? Yep. Weird. And then there was the fact that in one book, the character's name is Guy. In the next book, the characters are Guy and Henry. And in the third book? Henry again! What's going on? Oh, and get this! Characters in the second and third book are both reading Anna Karenina! Can we please play the creepy music? Does that ever happen to you, just randomly like that, and don't you begin to think that everything, no matter how different it seems, is all really just the same?
2. I sat next to a woman at Church on Sunday, whom I consider to be one of the Great Matriarchs of the ward. There are a handful of them, these noble, experienced mothers who have been in the ward forever, and who possess a quiet, gentle wisdom and strength. I was thinking of the power she has in her home, this woman next to me, and how even though she has never worked a day outside of it, she has had more influence in the world than any executive ever has, because she has successfully raised many amazing children. I started to look around the room and identify other women that I would place in this Great Matriarch category, and I just watched them. I don't really know anything of their private worlds or private struggles. I just see them quietly go about doing good, faithfully, consistently. I want to be like them.
3. One of my special interests is in teaching children how to have spiritual experiences, even daily. I think a lot about that, and I consider it one of my most important callings as a mother, to make sure that each of my children has an active line of communication open from his/her person to heaven. How to ask, how to listen, how to recognize, how to interpret, how to trust. Very important skills. In that vein, I've implemented a few changes in our family. Maybe a post about that sometime.
4. The cellular level of organization in our bodies both astounds and infuriates me. My brain may explode, and when that happens, having a vivid knowledge of the destruction on a cellular level is not very comforting to me. But that's what I have to learn about this semester, so I'm doing my best.
5. How do I love my children better? How do I make their childhoods happier? How do I celebrate them more often?
6. I had a dream last night about going back to my elementary school and enjoying some sort of impromptu reunion with old friends and former teachers. Specifically, I was in the classroom of my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Kuhn. At first I didn't realize who she was, as she had aged almost 30 years in my dream, but then she smiled at me and I recognized her teeth and the lines around her eyes, and I just started to cry. It was such a lovely, nostalgic dream, and it made me miss so much about my childhood in Merchantville. I woke up happy and sad. Longing for an easier time, and wishing for a chance to do so much over again.
7. I've been wondering if I think too much about things I should just be content with for the present time. Maybe I become consumed with the analysis of my life and my feelings, and I should just 'put my shoulder to the wheel', as the song says, and 'push along'. Maybe I would get more answers if I would just stop pushing for them. I often think back to pioneer days and how easy my life is in comparison. I know I wonder and worry about things that never ever would have crossed the mind of my ancestors. Maybe their version of happiness was more along the lines of true happiness, and I spend too much time chasing a carrot that only wastes my potential in this life. I don't know. See? I should just stop thinking. Just be.
But I can't stop!
Okay, enough excavating. For now, back to work!