Thursday, April 19, 2007

Maximus in minimis

(~Very great in very little things)

[sidenote: So, there IS some justice in the world....Sanjaya is history! Finally we can get back to some real talent!]

I've been reading many blogs, trying to find my niche in this new blogging world. Sometimes it is very frustrating for me, wondering if I even have a niche. Everyone else's seems to be carved so intricately, and I just blunder around. The problem with being me is that I'm only really fascinating in my imagination of who I am, if that makes any sense at all. I have accomplished nothing of interest, really. I'm not particularly great at anything. None of my major goals have been fulfilled. Makes me feel like I'm a big fraud and that anyone who looks my way must be really duped. Is it because I'm still young that I don't know who I am yet, or what I want to portray to the world? Who can I be? Where is my spot, waiting just for me? What do I have to say, and who wants to listen? Worse yet, what if every decision I've ever made has been the wrong one, and my authentic life is somewhere over there laughing at me? These are not really uplifting thoughts, but I lay them on the line for the sake of an honest life.

So, here's what I want to be great at, that I feel I'm only somewhat good at:
Writing--I've only been published twice, since high school, and my aspirations are much higher. I don't quite know what my style is yet, but I think I have things to say!
Gardening--I love gardening. I need my own house and lots of money to pursue this one adequately.
Piano--I wish I could play the music that I feel inside my heart!
Homeschooling/Mentoring--(my poor children, the guinea pigs that they are. May God add to my efforts here!)
Reading--I feel like such an ignoramus sometimes! How can my best friend start an entire blog complete with team members centered on some well-known author and his magnum opus that I've never even heard of? Sigh. And I get so frustrated when a book is recommended to me and I want so much to read it, but it's just too hard!
Singing--Oh, how I dream of singing! Vicarious dreams of American Idol and Playstation 2's Karaoke Revolution are only so satisfying, you know?
Making money--If I could just find a venue that I really feel passionately about....I'm so sick of financial stress. I've been good at most things I've tried, but none of them felt "right".

That's the short list. I still dream of finishing my college degree(s). I want to write a book. I actually dream of public speaking, though I'm not sure what I would speak about exactly. I just need to figure out what I was put on this earth for. I believe it was for something, but when so many things have turned out badly, I hope I haven't screwed up my chance. I'm second-guessing many of my life choices, wondering about those two roads that diverged in a yellow wood. What if I've caused so much of my life's heartache? But then again, would I trade the lessons learned? Maybe I have too many high-achieving friends and I need some losers around me to help me feel better about myself? Just kidding about that last one. Kind of. I suppose it's better to be at the bottom looking up and seeing somewhere to go with the rest of life.

5 comments:

Saint Holiday said...

Jenna!
11th Commandment: Be kind to yourself. You are The Mom and The Wife and The Daughter, and you're really terrific at these. All of this self-condemnation and discontentment is disturbing. Watch out, or you'll find yourself becoming hyper-critical of others in your circle of influence. You are much better than you think. Every one around you knows that. Indulge yourself in empowering, emancipating thoughts. I love you.

Jenna said...

A mild and wise chastisement from my dad. Well taken. You're always right.

Saint Holiday said...

Hey, Kiddo!

I think you'd enjoy this article about Jane Clayson.

http://meridianmagazine.com/books/070420Mother.html

I love you a mountain amount.

Luisa Perkins said...

Darlingest,
I wish you could see yourself the way I see you--as a clear-eyed, passionate, intelligent leader of women. I feel so honored to have you as my friend. Buck up, little frog!

And you know, I was REALLY hoping you'd join us on the Proust wagon. But there is no way I could have done it with a tiny baby in tow, so I understand. Let me know if you reconsider.

Get some D.E. Stevenson at the library! She celebrates womanhood, motherhood, sisterhood--just some of the many essential things at which you excel!

And your interview questions are on their way, so brace yourself, baby.

Kortni said...

Oh Jenna! How can you even believe that you're not really good at anything. Whenever you come up in mine and my mom's conversation "she is good at everything she does" is usually in there somewhere! And I thought that I was the loser friend that made you feel better about your accomplishments :)!!